A Confusing String of Events
by Practical Cannibalism
Summary: CRACKFIC: Desmond expiriences several strange and unexplainable adventures with friends both past and present.
1. Waffles

A/N: Oh eff. This is blasphemy. Don't burn me for this- I, I even considered burning myself for this- but, no, just- just enjoy it. Maybe.. .

Disclaimer: I owns nothing of these characters, for serious.

O&O

Pale yellow light filtered in through cream colored curtains and cast shadows onto the bed. Birds twittered outside. The morning was bright and beautiful.

Desmond yawned and turned over onto his back. Stretching languidly, he opened his eyes and stared sleepily at the swirling, floral wallpaper.

"W-wha?..." Desmond sat up immediately. Where was he?

He glanced down and found himself in the apricot colored bed sheets. He was wearing nothing but an-

"Oh _sweet Jesus_!" oversized nightshirt printed with smiling hamburgers.

He tumbled violently out of bed, getting caught in the sheets.

"Shit, _shit_. I've been kidnapped!" he glanced around the room franticly.

The room itself did not seem threatening. It appeared comfortable and lived in- and very feminine.

He froze as he heard some noises from below him. So he was not alone in this strange place? Well, no, probably not, if he'd been kidnapped-

"Don't panic, don't panic." He muttered to himself.

There was a door- was it locked? Desmond scrambled silently to it and listened. There was nothing outside it as far as he could tell. He slowly turned the doorknob. The door opened easily.

Why? Why was the door unlocked? Had his captors made a mistake? This meant he could escape!... Didn't it?

"Pants!" he hissed. Those would be a good idea.

He threw off the insulting nightshirt and moved towards the dresser in the corner of the room. None of the drawers were locked. He opened them and pulled out a pair of pants. His pants.

"_My_ pants!" in fact, all of the clothes there seemed to be his clothes.

"Oh God, what kind of fuckery is _this_!" he cried in dismay.

What was happening? There was no time to think about it though; his captors might comeback at anytime!

He quickly got dressed and turned around to the door- but then pondered something.

Why did he awaken mostly naked in a strange bed? A large bed, for more than one person…

He whimpered incoherently and then slowly felt his behind.

"I'm okay- I think I'm okay." Probably.

Thoroughly disturbed by the sudden turn of events he made his way for the door and exited the room. He found himself in a dimly lit hallway. It was sparsely decorated and led to a descending stair.

Quietly as he could he made his way down the stairs. There was suddenly the smell of freshly made waffles. Desmond turned a corner and found himself at a crossroads.

One hall led to living area where soft, strange music seemed to be playing. The other led to a door inlaid with glass and decorated with a lavender curtain. Sunlight poured through it- the front door!

"Aha!" Desmond breathed and dashed madly for his escape!

_Fwunk_!

The throwing knife buried itself solidly in the wall in front of Desmond's face. A thin slice appeared across the bridge of his nose. Desmond, still in midstep, focused his eyes on the blade.

"_Shit_."

"Where do you think you are going," came a sudden voice, darkly timbered and oddly familiar, "without eating breakfast?"

Desmond turned and through a wide archway he somehow had not noticed, he saw-

"A-A-_Altair_!"

"You looked frightened, my dear," the master assassin said," is there something wrong?"

Altair reclined in a dining chair and wore a pair of plaid pajama bottoms. A frilly pink apron was thrown over the back of the chair. The table was set with two plates of waffles, one in front of Altair and the other in the empty space opposite him. Altair held a newspaper in one hand and was expertly flipping another throwing knife in the other.

"Come, sit." His golden eyes flashed maliciously in the sunlight.

Spurred on by fear, Desmond skittered into the room and sat across from his ancestor.

"You should eat them before they get cold." Altair said easily and seemed to turn his attention to the newspaper.

Suddenly feeling very hungry, Desmond decided to eat them.

"D-delicious!" he exclaimed in surprise. They were probably the best waffles he had ever eaten in his life.

"Of course they are. It is _I_ who made them." Altair smirked seductively. He placed the knife down on the table and lifted a peach slice from a nearby plate.

The assassin placed the peach against his teeth and grinned across the table. It was at this point that Desmond noticed how attractively the light played over his ancestor's naked torso and the predatory gleam that was reflected in those golden eyes opposite him. He decided he was not feeling very comfortable.

"Tell me Desmond, would you care for some peaches?"

It was at this point that something very strange happened.

O&O


	2. Desmodonna

"Desmodonna!" Ezio's anguished cry sounded from somewhere behind Desmond.

Desmond suddenly stood in front of a floor length mirror in a room of dark wood furniture. He was dressed in a long, gold gown, covered in lace and jewels. Long black curls fell around his shoulders. He screamed in utter terror.

"Desmodonna!" Ezio burst in from the door behind Desmond, the youth was not dressed in his assassin robes but in his regular garb.

"Why do you cry out when you see me, oh fairest one? Are you afraid of me? Of my deeds? I would never hurt you, never!" Ezio clutched at his chest passionately, his face a mask of grief. "Please, do not leave me. I couldn't bear to lose you!"

"It is too late, Auditore rat!" it was the voice of Altair. The master assassin stepped out from behind an elegant changing screen. He was dressed fashionably in 15th century clothing and carried a gold tipped cane. A long black cloak fell from his shoulders. His dark brown hair was somehow long and tied into a queue at the back of his neck. On his left eye was an eye patch. "Her father has promised her to me! Desmodonna is mine!"

"You bastard! You will not lay a hand on her! It is I that Desmodonna loves!" Ezio turned pleadingly to Desmond, "Tell him, tell him how you feel!"

"I- I- Why is this happening!" Desmond cried helplessly.

"Hahaha~!" Altair chuckled darkly, "She obviously does not love you in the slightest! She didn't even tell her father about you. Why would she? You are a dishonored criminal. You are unfit to partake of Desmodonna's-" the master assassin quickly appeared by Desmond's side and placed Desmond's hand to his lips, "sweet pleasures~."

"No, _no_!" Ezio fell to his knees in sorrow.

"_Ahem_!" came a voice and then the door to the wardrobe sung open and out tumbled Shaun. He was dressed in black and purple and seemed very much a gaudy Englishman. He stood, brushed himself off, and flipped his long, unbound auburn hair out of his face. He also now sported quite the beard and mustache.

"You are both wrong, Desmodonna loves _me_. And it is _I_ that she will marry." He said simply.

"Sir Shaun the playwright!" Ezio gasped in disbelief, "What nonsense is this!"

"Filthy Anglo!" Altair snapped, "What claim do you have to my woman?"

"Ah, I shall tell you!" Shaun smiled confidently, "For the past two years, Desmodonna and I have been exchanging correspondence. Over this time she expressed her feelings of deep affection for me and promised herself to be my bride."

Ezio wailed and Altair took several angry steps toward the affronting Brit.

"What proof do you have?" Altair demanded.

"Why, just _this_, right here in my hand." Shaun pulled a letter from his breast pocket and handed it to Altair, "Go ahead and read it aloud, my lord, so that we may all hear and understand Desmodonna's true feelings."

Altair looked suspiciously from Shaun to the letter, but opened it and read its contents:

_ To My Dearest Sir Shaun,_

_ Your poetry is so beautiful, it makes my heart flutter._

_ When will I be able to see you again? Certainly not another six months? I don't think my heart could bear it!_

_ I truly wish to be yours, always and forever. But please, you must hurry! By the end of the year my father plans to give me to the wicked Lord Altair._

_ I would die, die! If that happened! _

_ Come and take me away, my love! Take me far away so that I may never have to look upon that evil man! _

_ I will await your answer with a beating heart, my love!_

_ P.S. You are wearing your promise ring, aren't you?_

_ With Truest Love Always, Desmodonna_

"What! You wretch!" Altair spun and with an eye of flame glared into Desmond, "How dare you shame me in such a way!"

"And the promise ring is right here, if you may look upon it. Desmodonna wears a matching one herself." Shaun said, glowing with victory.

"Desmodonna, my sweetest! How could you do this to me?" Ezio cried and broke into sobs on the wooden floor.

Sure enough, Shaun and Desmond wore matching gold rings. Altair spat in disgust.

"I shall ruin your father for this!" He raged and stormed out of the room.

"Come now my dearest, let us be wed!" Shaun held out his arms to Desmond, love sparkling in his eyes.

"_Noooo!" _Desmond shrieked and leaped from an open window into the street below.

O&O


	3. Pirate or Vampire?

Desmond landed heavily in a pile of hay. It was hot.

The sounds of a bustling city surrounded him and there was a familiar scent in the air. He clambered out of the hay and found himself standing in the middle of Masayf.

"What is wrong with that man?"

"He must be drunk."

"He's going to hurt himself, and when he does, I'm not helping him!"

Desmond cringed back as he noticed a group of people staring at him. Acting as if nothing strange was going on, he marched swiftly away. Once the people were out of sight he slinked into the shadows between two buildings and began mumbling to himself.

"It's a bad trip, it's just a bad trip- it's gotta be! But I don't do drugs! Oh God, maybe I was poisoned- poisoned by Templars! They tried to kill me, but they failed! I-I hope they failed- this isn't some sort of purgatory is it?" he glanced around shiftily, "I can't wake up, I can't get out! Fuck you Templars! Fuck you!" he shook his fists violently at a pile of boxes.

His anger spent, he slumped against the wall. He was wearing some jeans and slippers and –

"Bah, it's this stupid hamburger shirt again!" he threw his arms in the air. "At least I'm wearing pants this time."

He wondered what terrible misadventure would befall him this time. While Altair was an exceptional cook, Desmond didn't know if he could handle another run-in with the man. But just about anything could be better than marrying Shaun, couldn't it? Desmond grimaced as he realized there were plenty of things that could be a lot worse.

"Maybe I should just head to the castle and see what befalls me?" he said glumly.

Heading stealthily up the hill he came to a spot where there seemed to be many assassin guards. He could see the walls of the compound, but he was not close enough to warrant so many guards, he thought. He hid in some bushes and tried to overhear what was going on.

"It is true, the castle is haunted! I saw it with my own eyes!"

"This is nonsense. It can not be."

"They say it is the ghost of Al Mualim! The demon returns from the dead to torture us!"

"Haunted!" Desmond whispered to himself, rubbing his chin in thought.

Suddenly, there was a cool piece of metal at his neck. "You would do well not to move, intruder." Whispered a voice in his ear.

"What, Malik?" Desmond said in shock.

"What? N-I mean, yes, it is I! Who are you? Wait, it does not matter. You are under arrest!" Malik said, still hidden out of Desmond's sight. As he finished, a burlap sack was thrown over Desmond's head and he was lifted off his feet. He was carried for some until he was placed on the ground. The sack was removed and before him he saw-

"Ah, Desmond! What a pleasant surprise. You are even wearing that adorable shirt I bought for you!" Altair stood above him. He was wearing very long and ornate white robes and several weapons, but still had long hair and an eyepatch

"You know this man?" it was Malik. He stood off to the side and Desmond was shocked at what he saw. Malik wore a large black pirate hat and also had an eyepatch. A long hook descended from his left sleeve.

"Why is Malik a _**pirate**_?" Desmond stammered out.

"Malik is not a pirate." Altair said amusedly.

"But he has a pirate hat, and an eyepatch, and a _hook-arm_!" Desmond stood and pointed at Malik, who in turn had a large frown on his face.

"But he does not talk like a pirate. Therefore he is not a pirate." Altair replied.

"Eh?" Desmond began-

"It is of no consequence," Altair waved his hand, "But my castle is haunted by the spirit of Al Mualim. It is time to take care of the matter."

Altair turned and walked swiftly down a corridor. Malik followed and Desmond came chasing after.

"How do you kill a ghost?" Desmond asked.

"It is not really a ghost. Al Mualim spirit suddenly appeared, became solid and began sucking out the blood of the nearest people. He killed ten men just this morning." Malik said, his hook glittering in the torch light.

"So Al Mualim became a vampire." Desmond whispered, "That's freaky."

They came to a large open space that was stained with blood.

"Here we are, be on guard!" Altair drew his blades. Malik brandished his sword and hook.

"Wait, I don't have a wea-!"

Suddenly a ghoul dropped down from the ceiling! Malik took his hook and severed its head. Black blood spattered the ground.

With a chorus of moans, the nine other ghouls came out from various doorways and encircled the trio.

"Hahaha! There is no way you can defeat me now, Altair! Even with the help of Pirate Malik and that Hamburger Boy!" Al Mualim appeared on a ledge above them. He wore a long black cape and had glowing red eyes.

"You could not defeat me in life; you will not defeat me in death!" Altair shouted back.

"Be wary my child, for one bite will turn you into one of my servants!" Al Mualim chuckled dastardly. "Now die!" He swooped down from the edge and his ghouls burst into motion.

"Ahhh!" Desmond cried and he threw himself out of the way of the ghouls.

"You will be the first to go!" Al Mualim called to him and lunged for him. Desmond tried to dodge, but it was too late! Al Mualim had him in his clutches!  
"No!" Cried Altair, but he was being pressed by the ghouls.

"Your flesh is so soft, Hamburger Boy! Now I shall feast on your organs! Your sweet, sweet organs!" Al Mualim licked Desmond's face with a long purple tongue and then, with a grossly clawed hand, ripped open Desmond's chest.

Desmond's sight was covered by the splatter of his own blood!

But then….

O&O


	4. The Best Kind of Surprise

Desmond fell with a crash into the chill water. Salt water stung his eyes as floundered aimlessly in the churning tide. With a gasp, he was thrown back to the surface. Ahead of him seemed to be a sandy shore. A wave came from behind and pushed him farther towards land. After gaining his bearings, he began to swim and quickly reached the beach.

"Oh, sweet, fancy Jesus." He breathed in exhaustion as he clambered from the waves and inelegantly threw himself into the sand.

"Oh Desmond, is that you?" came a concerned voice from nearby.

"What, Lucy?" Desmond looked up and through his murky eyes saw the vague shape of the blonde woman. "What's happening Lucy? Where are we?"

"Shh, shh. Don't talk." She whispered sweetly and Desmond felt her arms surround him. "Just let me comfort you Desmond. Comfort you… _forever_."

"W-what?" Desmond stammered and opened his eyes fully to see Lucy's pretty face slowly morph into some sort of freakish octopus monster!

Purple tentacles spewed forth from her mouth as the flesh peeled from her skull to reveal a slimy, spotty membrane.

Desmond shrieked in terror as he tried to escape Lucy's embrace.

"I won't let you go, Desmond! You'll never leave me! I won't allow it!" came Lucy's gurgling cry. She wrapped her tentacles around Desmond and slowly pulled him towards the gaping cavern that was once her mouth. A giant, clacking beak greeted Desmond as he was dragged into the maw. He turned his head to the side in a vain attempt to stave off death.

"No Lucy, no! Stop it, stop it!" He cried as the razor beak sliced easily into his cheek.

Just as Desmond thought he was surely going to die, a bright green goo erupted forth from Octo-Lucy and the terrible appendages that had been holding Desmond down suddenly let him loose.

Tumbling onto the sand, drenched in a soup of stinking ooze, Desmond looked up to see that Lucy had been slit open from behind and her gooping octopus organs now littered the ground.

"Ahah, so you still live! Here I thought that I would be too late and that she would have already laid her eggs inside your brain!" said a familiar voice, filled with amusement.

"Ezio!" Desmond staggered to his feet to meet his ancestor.

Ezio stood a few feet away, two long bunny ears seemed to sprout out of his head and he dressed in only a pair of low rising, tight leather pants. His blades were held in place with a blinged-out Hello Kitty belt and he also had on a pair of fancy red boots.

"_Fratello_! I would hug you, but you're so disgusting right now!" Ezio laughed cheerily.

"Ezio, what the _hell_ is _this_?" Desmond motioned to the body of Octo-Lucy as he wiped slime off his face.

"I dunno, some crazy bitch that likes to lay eggs in people." Ezio shrugged, "But anyway, we can't stay here, the crabs are coming."

"What? Crabs? _What crabs_?" Desmond asked, but Ezio was already on the move up the beach.

Just then, a roar seemed to come out of the ocean and Desmond turned to see the tide retreat and a large mass of _something_ rise out of the water.

Desmond quickly followed Ezio up into some sand dunes. Right as they reached the top, the giant mass fell on the beach with the sound of a train wreck and hundreds of small bodies erupted into the air.

They ran down the other side of the dunes as crabs started raining from the sky!

The crabs pelted Desmond, snapping at his arms as he covered his head.

Finally, the two assassins found shelter at the edge of a strange, sweet smelling wood.

Desmond twitched out and swatted himself, attempting to get the crabs out of his clothes and hair.

"Eh? What's wrong with you?" Ezio asked calmly, the older assassin seemingly unaffected.

"What's wrong with me? _What's wrong with me!_ Fuckingshit, I can't even attempt to answer that question right now." Desmond sighed as the last of the crabs fell to the ground and scuttled away into the brush. "Anyway, where are we now?"

"We're in the Gumdrop Forest. Come on, I'll take you to see Leonardo." Ezio replied and began to walk down a well marked path.

Desmond looked around and sure enough, the large green trees were all dotted with sugar coated gum drops.

After they had walked for some time, the smell of baking cookies enveloped them. The duo rounded a bend and found themselves walking straight up to a quaint little gingerbread house that had a lovely yard decorated with candy canes and lollipops.

"Are you _fucking_ serious?" Desmond managed to wretch out, but Ezio wasn't paying any attention.

The gingerbread door burst open and Leonardo came skipping out dressed in his red beret and a leopard print bathrobe.

"Ezio! Desmond! My lovers, my lovers! How good to see you both!" Leonardo ran up to Ezio and embraced him quite amorously, Desmond thought. Leonardo was about to do the same to Desmond but stopped short, seeing as how terribly filthy he was.

"Ugh, disgusting! Ezio, take him out back and hose him off, will you? I'll go find him some proper clothes." Leonardo giggled and skipped back into his house.

After a proper hosing, Desmond stripped and Leonardo tended to his wounds. It seemed that there was no gash or scar from where Al Mualim had ripped open his chest, but he did have multiple crab-related injuries.

"Sailor Moon, or plain?" Leonardo asked as he held up two different boxes of band-aids.

"_Plain_, please, definitely." Desmond cringed as Leonardo slapped a band-aid onto his face where Lucy had tried to eat him.

"Really? I always pick Sailor Moon. Tuxedo Mask is such a sexy devil, isn't he?" Leonardo chuckled and picked up a freshly baked cookie from a nearby plate.

"Uhhh, _right._" Desmond mumbled and slipped into the fresh clothes Leonardo had provided, a plain white shirt and some checkered shorts.

"I brought ice-cream!" Ezio said loudly as he walked into the room carrying a tray of the frosty stuff.

"Yay, ice-cream!" Leonardo jumped with glee and quickly relieved Ezio of a bowl.

"Here you go." Ezio handed Desmond an ice-cream and sat down on a sofa that looked like it was made of marshmallows.

"Oh, thanks." Desmond replied and took a bite.

While terribly fruity, this was perhaps the best situation he had found himself in yet….

Wasn't it?

Desmond took another bite and set his ice-cream down on his plate. Suddenly his whole body went stiff and he tumbled to the floor.

"Ahh, ahh! M-can'-move!" Desmond blubbered out, his ability to speak quickly deteriorating.

A wicked laugh echoed from the corner of the room in which Leonardo stood. The Renaissance man tip-toed over to Desmond and leaned down, an evil smile dancing across his face.

"Ezio, Ezio! It seems a poor little babe has wandered into our home. He looks so delicious; I just want to eat him _right up_!" Leonardo giggled and Desmond heard Ezio chuckle provocatively from his seat.

"Mm! _Mmm!_" Desmond tried to protest, but his mouth would no longer work.

"A good surprise, I think!" Ezio replied gaily and Desmond was helpless as he watch Leonardo reach down for the buttons on his shorts.

But then…

O&O


	5. Winter Wonderland

**AN:** Hello everyone and Happy New Year! Well, what can I say about this chapter? I know it's short, but it's probably my favorite one. It's a winter special! *Cough* Well, I wasn't at all embarrassed to post the last chapters. But damn, just damn… *headdesk* This is inspired from the conversations we have in college. Also, have you ever played QWOP? I hate that game. That's why I like to use it to insult people…

A chill wind blew across Desmond's face. He sat straight up and found that he was lying in the middle of a glittering snowfield. Tall, dark pine trees limned in frost surrounded the hilly meadow. He could hear laughter and voices from nearby, so he staggered to his feet to look around.

He had jeans on, and a pair of yellow snow boots. He had a big blue snow jacket on, and when he looked down at it, there was a friendly face of a green dinosaur with the words _Gangsta Saurus Rex_.

"God, who the hell keeps dressing me around here?" he cried softly to himself. He wasn't quite sure at what had occurred to him, but anything was better than getting sexually assaulted by Leonardo Di Vinci. Wasn't it?

Desmond stumbled down the slope and spied upon several figures playing in the snow. Beyond, there was a small, frozen lake, on which it appeared that bears were ice skating.

"Well hey, this is pretty nice!" Desmond smiled and ran towards the others.

"Desmond, Desmond!" it was Ezio who greeted him. He was wearing the same clothes as the last time Desmond had saw him, but had thrown a black jacket over his naked torso. "Come on, we were just going to make some snow angels!"

Ezio grabbed him by the hand and dragged him over. He was greeted by Altair who was strangely dressed in his normal garb, and Malik, who was frowning deeply in his Christmas Elf costume.

They then proceeded in snowy merrymaking; making snow angels (in which they all assured Malik that his one-winged angles were very cute), building snowmens, and throwing snowballs. After a long day spent enjoying the winter with his ancestors, Desmond sat on a log, looking out across the frozen lake. It seemed that the bears from earlier had disappeared. Suddenly, a strange and delicious scent overtook him.

He rose and followed the scent down to the edge of lake, where he discovered a table covered with hot, steaming gingerbread cookies. He glanced around but there was no sight of Malik or his ancestors. Slowly, he took a cookie and placed it in his mouth. It was only, _the best damn gingerbread cookie he had ever eaten._

"Oh God, oh my God!" he mumbled as he stuffed more and more of them into his mouth. "It's like my tongue is orgasming on a rainbow in outerspace!"

"Hold it right there, _sucka_." Desmond stopped as he heard the click of a gun being leveled on him. He turned around and saw that the bears had come back, except that it was just Lucy and Rebecca in bear costumes. Lucy had a sawed off shotgun aimed straight at him.

"What the hell is this Desmond? You think you just come out of nowhere and eat somebody else's gingerbread?" Rebecca said quite toughly, and Desmond was frightened.

"Whoa, whoa. Hey now, I didn't know this stuff belonged to you guys!" he pleaded, backing up into the table.

"Well, I think we teach you a lesson. Right, Lucy?" Rebecca said, a sick grin twisting across her face.

"Yeah." Lucy responded, taking a step closer to Desmond with the gun.

"Hey, hold on a second! Come on guys, this is insane!" he screeched.

"Insane? _Insane_? Shuttup, you _fucking qwop_, the only thing that's insane around here **IS THE SIZE OF MY DICK**!" Rebecca shouted and in a rage, pulled a giant blue penis out of top of her bear costume. The thing was easily two feet long and looked like it weighed twenty pounds. Rebecca placed it in her hands and swung it at Desmond.

Desmond shrieked in absolute terror and tried to run away, but Lucy shot him in the foot.

"Oh shit, _oh shit_, you blew my foot off, _you crazy bitch_!" he lay sobbing in the snow.

"It's all over now Desmond. There's no more fucking second chances!" Rebecca said, and she began to beat him with the giant blue phallus.

"Tell me you want my dick, Desmond! Tell me you want it!" she yelled.

"No Rebecca no, please stop! I don't want your dick, I don't want it!" he cried pitifully.

But then…

&O&


	6. A Confusing String of Events

"No Rebecca no! I don't want you dick, I don't want it!" Desmond shrieked.

Shaun stood over the novice assassin who laid thrashing in his own bed. Several bottles of liquor stood empty on a nearby desk. It was already an hour past the time Desmond usually awoke and they could start working, and Shaun was having none of it.

Cold water splashed down onto Desmond's face and the ex-bartender spat and sputtered into wakefulness. He blinked blearily up at Shaun until a light of recognition showed in his eyes.

"Shit Shaun, it was all so godawful!" he sat up and grabbed hold of the Brit, hugging him tightly around the waist. "First I was living with Altair, and I think we had _sex_! And then I was being forced to marry you, so I killed myself! And then Al Maulim was there, and he ate me! And then Lucy tried to tentacle rape me, but Ezio saved me, but then he didn't really save me, he just took me to Leonardo, who wanted to rape me _too_! But then it was snowing, and I thought that it was nice, and we made snowmen, but then there were these cookies, and I _really_ wanted some, but they were Lucy's and Rebecca's and because I ate them, Lucy shot my foot off and Rebecca started hitting me with a giant dildo-"

"What the _bloody hell_ are you talking about, you fool!" Shaun spat contemptuously, shaking off the panicked novice. "For a bartender, the alcohol certainly doesn't agree with you!" he walked out of Desmond's room, shutting the door angrily. Only to open it again and poke his head through "We're starting in forty-five minutes. Go wash up and put some clothes on, you _idiot_!"

After the door slammed again, Desmond looked around. He was back in his own room again and everything seemed back to normal. He had a splitting headache though and slouched back down into the bed.

"I guess it was really all just a dream?" he said softly. He rose with complaint and staggered into the bathroom. He turned on the tap and washed his face. There were no vampire-ghosts, or scary bear women, or Leonardo Di Vinci's here. Life was good. _Damn good._

He sighed in contentment. He pulled off the shirt he was wearing and started to get a shower ready. Then something caught his eye. On the floor where he had thrown the shirt he saw something familiar and his heart dropped. It was the hamburger shirt.

Fin.

AN: Ohohohoho! This story is now complete! I want to thank everyone who has read this story. I had a lot of fun writing it and I hope that its entertainment value outweighs the fact that it's not very well written! Thank you again everyone, and I hope you enjoyed it. Happy New Years!


End file.
